2000 Liars Contest
John W. Smith
Meadow Creek, Summers Co.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm John Smith from Meadow Creek, West Virginia. The story I'm about to tell you is true, and they told me that you had to make people believe that this was true and I want you to believe this was true. But this is a story about a lumberjack. He went down to his Pa's house, down in Moonshine Hollow, and he asked his Pa if he wanted to go hassl'n, tassl'n coonskin hunting if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care.
We called all the dogs but old Shorty, and we called old Shorty, too. We went down the road about a mile, mile and half, two mile. We treed a coon in a great old big gum sapling. Well, I asked Pa if he wanted me to climb that tree and shake him out if he cared. He asked me, he don't care. I clumb that tree, and I shook and shook and shook. Pretty soon I heard something hit the ground. I turned around and I looked and it was me. And all them dogs piled on me but old Shorty, and old Shorty he piled on me, too. And I asked Pa to take a stick and knock them off if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care. He took a stick and he knocked them all off but old Shorty, and he knocked old Shorty off, too. Well, I asked Pa if that would be enough of hassl'n, tassl'n coonskin hunting for today if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care.
We call all the dogs but old Shorty and we called old Shorty, too. We went on down the road about a mile, mile and a half, two miles further. We treed us another coon in a huckleberry log about two-foot thick at the little end. Well, I asked Pa if he wanted me to take an ax and chop him out if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care. And I took an ax, and the first lick I took, I chopped old Shorty's long, black tail off right up close behind his ears. Well, I asked Pa if that would be enough hassl'n, tassl'n coonskin hunting for today if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care.
We called all the dogs but old Shorty, and we called old Shorty, too. We headed out towards home and on the way home we caught all the pumpkins out in the pig patch. We got to chasing them pumpkins around that pig patch, and I got mad at one of them pumpkins and slammed its brains out over a pig's head.
Well, we shut the fence and laid up the gate and went in the house, and I asked Pa if I could go down to Aunt Sal's house for awhile if he cared. And he asked me, he don't care. I went down to the barn, I got the saddle out of the barn and I throwed it on the fence and I crawled on. On the way down there, that fence got scared of a great old big black stump. It throwed me off right in the middle of the road, a great big hole in the road, and it like to tore the sleeve out of my Sunday britches. I got back up, crawled back on, went on down the road.
Now, you know, Sal she lives on Tough Street. The further down you go, the tougher it gets. She lives in the last house - a big, white house painted green, two front doors on the back side, a big, white dog was tied loose in the backyard on the front porch. Well, I went in and throwed my hat in the fireplace, spit in the couch, and I sat down in the floor. Sal was glad to see me, I know she was cause she didn't say so.
Well, I asked Sal if she wanted to go up to the apple orchard and pick enough cherries to make a huckleberry pie, if she cared. And she asked me, she don't care. And on the way up there, I walked just as close to her as I could get - her on one side of the road and me on the other. When we got up there, I asked Sal if she wanted me to climb up that apple tree and pick enough of them cherries to make a huckleberry pie, if she cared And she asked me, she don't care.
I clumb up that tree and my foot got caught on a rotten twig. I fell right straddle a barbed wire fence, both feet on the same side. I like to ruined myself, and I ain't been back in Moonshine Hollow since! Thank you all.