2000 Liars Contest
You know, a lot of my friends think I have some pretty wacky ideas, but the thing is, all of them are true. For instance, one day I was trying to tell some guy that there was life on Mars, and he didn't believe me. I know that there's life on Mars.
You see, it all began when I was on a hike with the Boy Scouts. Started out as a pretty normal hike, but then Ralph - Ralph was a nice guy but a little short on the brains, if you know what I mean - got the call of nature. So, while we were waiting, we heard some really strange noises. Ralph comes back with this baby bear cub.
"Ralph, you idiot, don't you know where there's a baby bear there's a Mama bear?"
And sure enough, there's a big Mama bear trailing right behind him. So we were running away from this Mama bear as fast as we can, and we would have gotten away a lot faster, too, if we had told him to put down the bear first.
Well, anyway, we eventually got away, but we were out in the middle of nowhere. Not that was a problem or anything because we had our Super Scout with us, Luke. Luke was a nice guy but he was a really big Scout fanatic. Now, he had just about every Scout tool in the book. Can't really blame him, though. He came from a really big Scout family. He was named after his dad, Luke Lawrence Bean. Of course, everyone just calls his Dad L.L. Bean. Some Boy Scouts will have a multi-purpose tool, but he has a multi-purpose tool with binoculars, microscope, a magnifying glass, a compass, a quartz watch, and a global positioning system. And then, yeah, some Boy Scouts will have a pocket knife, maybe even a Swiss pocket knife, but, no, he has to have the mother of all pocket knives. I tell you this thing had 17 different kinds of cutting blades, three different saws, five different eating utensils, a fold-out ax, a set of golf clubs, and a cheese shredder. Then some kids will have a sleeping bag and a tent. But, no, he had a sleeping bag and tent that went to 150 degrees below zero. Then he had a tarp, a really nice tarp. It was waterproof, dustproof, fireproof, iceproof, and gold layered on one side to serve as a thermal shield in case of a nuclear blast. But what I really liked about it was the other side was black velvet with a beautiful picture of dogs playing poker on it.
Then, there was our troop hypochondriac, Ken. He was the guy who would stop about every five seconds to change the blister cushions on his feet, put on some more bug spray, and check his blood for any diseases. His pack - well, let's just say, it has a really big Rite Aid symbol on it. I mean, I tell you this thing has first aid kit, it's got bee sting kits, snake bite kits, alcohol wipes, Lysol spray, 11 different types of antibacterial cream, artificial respiratory system, and a biohazard suit.
So, anyway, Luke says, "Well, don't worry, we can just follow my compass back."
So we start following his compass back, and it's startingto get late and get dark and he goes, "Man, we should be there by now. Something's got to be wrong."
Then Ralph goes, "Well, what a coincidence. Someone with my initials put their initials in a tree exactly like the one I put my initials in 10 miles back!"
"Oh, Ralph, you idiot, it's the same tree. We've been walking around in circles."
Luke goes, "I don't get it. My compass is always right, it's top of the line."
So I said, "Let me see your compass. The sun is setting over there but your compass says it should be setting over there."
And, meanwhile, Ken is getting ready to have a nervous breakdow. "We're going to die, we're going to die. Oh my gosh, I'm going to be left out here all alone and be eaten by bears."
He's pacing back and forth and back and forth, and the compass is going back and forth and back and forth.
So, I say, "Ken, do you have anything, maybe, magnetic on?"
"Well, I thought I might get a little sore so I put on my entire magnetic therapy kit. I have two on my feet, two on my wrist, two on my shoulders, one around my waist, and two on the back of my knees."
About this time, Luke had gone pretty berserk and started chasing him through the woods, along with everyone else. Now, I'm still looking at the compass and I saw it start spinning around. I looked up and there's this huge flying saucer.
"Everyone, look, look, it's a flying saucer, right above Ken! Look! Ken, look up, it's a flying saucer about to land! Ken! Ken! Ooow...Ken."
So we all ran up to the space ship. It opened up and two aliens came out.
The first thing we said was, "Oh, my God, he killed Kenny."
Well, anyway, one of the aliens looks under the space ship and goes, "Oops." Brings out some sort of device, presses a button, and then Kenny re-materializes right in front of our eyes, in perfect health.
And then he says, "Man, I feel really weird."
"That's because you're in perfect health."
Then I ask the aliens, "What do you want with us? Why are you here?"
"We've been monitoring your news, and we've found out that you've captured one of our people."
"Oh, come on, it's in your news everywhere."
"You know, the kid on the raft."
Then Ralph goes, "You mean..."
"Yes, Alien Gonzales!"
"No, actually, I think it's pronounced Elian Gonzales."
"Oh. Never mind. While we're here, why don't you tell us a little bit about your planet?"
"Well, first I'll tell you about our government. You've got your democracies, you got communism, and then you got your dictatorship. A dictatorship means one person pretends to know what's good for the people when he only knows what's good for himself. Then, there's communism, which is kind of like a dictatorship except the people pretend to work and the government pretends to pay them. Then there's a democracy where people pretend to elect officials, who pretend to run the country by pretending to make decisions, although they just argue until it's time to get re-elected again."
Then the aliens go, "Hey, that sounds exactly like our government."
So then they say, "Tell us a little bit about your food."
"Well, farmers used to grow our food."
"Well, who grows it now?"
"Big companies mostly."
"Why don't farmers grow it any more?"
"It doesn't pay enough."
"Why doesn't the government pay them more?"
"Well, it does to grow things like, well, tobacco, for instance."
"Oh, is tobacco good to eat?"
"Can you make anything out of tobacco?"
"Is tobacco good for you in any way?"
"Well, no, actually it causes cancer."
"So, then, why does the government put money into it?"
"Well, actually we have plenty of food right out here in the woods. For instance, these ramps, they are delicious. You have to try one."
So, the aliens tried one, and in five seconds flat they had spit up all over the place. "Oh, gosh, this stuff is horrible. How can you eat this stuff? Don't you have anything else to eat?"
"Well, yeah, but we'd have to cook it."
"How would you cook it?"
"With a fire."
We started a fire with sticks and twigs and stuff.
Then, the aliens got all impatient and said, "Aw, you call yourselves Boy Scouts? You can't even make a fire with your mind?"
"You can make fires with your mind?"
"Yes, we can have this entire forest in flames in under two seconds."
"Whoa, don't do it here. Do it somewhere out in the middle of nowhere."
"Where would that be?"
"Somewhere like, oh, I don't know, like New Mexico or something."
So, anyway, by that time the aliens said, "Man, we were going to take over this planet, but you've got horrible food, the worst government we've ever seen. We'd have to eliminate all plant life, all human life, then inhabit it ourselves. That would be a lot of work."
I said, "Wait, I have a much better idea. A planet right next door, a beautiful red color, completely deserted, kind of a fixer-upper, but you seem like an advance race, I think you can handle it."
So, they said, "Oh, thanks, man."
They were about to take off, but then they said, "Oh, we need to brainwash you."
Then the other alien goes, "Shoot, I knew I forgot something. I only brought the transportable brainwasher."
"Only does three."
So they brainwashed everyone else but me. They said I might be able to do some more real estate deals for them anyway. So, I'm the only one left to tell the story and no one believes me. Well, at least I know that there's life on Mars. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a meeting with the chief deity of Alpha Centauri. I hope none of you live in Wyoming.