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Dorsey Johnson

2001 Liars Contest
Dorsey Johnson
Hurricane, Putnam County
(Second Place)

I'm from Hurricane. Many of you probably don't know where Hurricane is at. It's about 11 miles northwest of Tornado, and it's about seven miles south of Winfield. And, if you don't like that, it's about 10 miles west of Nitro. We got a lot of powerful places down there where I'm from.

Somebody asked me one time how the town of Hurricane got its name. I've heard lots of different stories, but there's one story this fella told me. He said a big storm came through here. Tremendous winds, just tore up jack. So I asked him, "Well, how fast were those winds? How many mile per hour?"

He said, "Well, I don't know that they ever really calculated that. But," he said, "I tell you this. A personal witness told me he saw this one ole hen lay the same egg three times."

I want to tell you a little bit about my childhood. When I was a real young boy, I had a terribly bad habit of stretching the truth. I would go to school, and I would tell the teacher a taller tale every day. After awhile, the teacher, she got a real burden for me, and she thought, "Well, I've just got to turn this young man's life around."

So, she laid awake at night, and she come up with a plan. She thought, "I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to try some reverse psychology on this young man. The next time he comes to school and lies to me like that, I'm going to lie right back to him bigger than he lied to me. Maybe he'll see how obnoxious that sounds, and he'll refrain from doing that."

So, about the next day, I came to school. I said, "Boy, teacher, me and my brothers went fishing yesterday evening. We fished for two hours. We caught 20 fish, every one of 'em weighed 18 pound or better."

And she said, "Dorsey, that ain't nothing. I went home yesterday evening, there was a big ole black bear in my backyard. Didn't know what in the world I was going to do, like to scared me to death." She said, "About that time, this little ole black-and-white dog come out there and run around the corner of the house. There he stood, about 10 or 12 inches tall. He went out and run around that big ole black bear about half-a-dozen times and sort of got him dizzy. Directly, that ole bear had enough of that, and he bent over and gave a big swat at him, like that. About the time he done that, that little ole dog jumped up there and grabbed a-hold of them jugular veins, and just held right on until he killed that big black bear."

She said, "Now what do you think about that?" I guess she thought she'd let me meditate about how it sounded.

And I said, "Well, teacher, that really doesn't surprise me a bit. That was my dog, that's the second time this week that's happened."

First Place

Third Place