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Mark Howes

2001 Liars Contest
Mark Howes
Helvetia, Randolph County
(Third Place)

I'm from Helvetia, a little ole farm up there, and every winter seems like times gets harder. Everything on the farm is getting old, all the farm's around the country is growing up.

The chickens in the chicken house are just laying there. You know, sort of like them boneless chickens you see in the store. Well, during the winter, we thought to ourselves, what could make a chicken be more like a chicken on the farms down the road where they walk around, run around, just don't lay around? We discovered that if you crocheted boots - if you could keep their feet warm - that these chickens would actually lay eggs all year round, even during the winter time. Now, the eggs are kind of hard boiled, but they're still eggs.

So my mother, she really got into this. She started crocheting boots for the chickens. She got into ear muffs, the whole works, I mean, little capes for the chickens. Good lookin' chicken farm.

All this worked out just fine until the space station - the Mir - a piece of it broke off and hit in a hole of water out front of the farm. That morning when we got up, my brother said, "There's a Mir in the hole of water out front."

I said, "That's just your reflection in the water."

He said, "No, I mean, the Mir."

So, I thought, well, I'll check that out. Go out there and, sure enough, there sets a water dog on the bank, looking at his reflection in the water. If anybody's ever seen a water dog, they're sorry looking things. They have no hair, absolutely none at all. This water dog went up, started eating from our dog's food.

Believe it or not, first thing them water dogs do - it's instinct - is start chasing chickens. I thought to myself, "This is bad, this is bad. I mean, a water dog chasing a chicken. I never seen nothing like this in my whole life." We penned all the chickens up, got them away from the water dog, and this water dog headed back for the creek.

Well, we got to noticing everything in the creek was changing. I mean, the crawcrabs had growed another pincher. And the fish, they had extra fins. And, of course, the catfish were being run out of the water by the water dog. The water dog looked so sad that I thought, well, maybe we ought to do something for him. He keeps going back to the dog food. Let's try putting a little Rogaine in the dog food to see if we can't grow some hair on that water dog. And Rogaine is some good stuff, we know for a fact it works.

Believe it or not, we had hair growing on that water dog. He's a slick-lookin' water dog. I mean, he's good lookin'. He wasn't too smart. I mean, he had bumps all over his head from chasing the car parked in the driveway. But other than that, that water dog was smart. He was so smart that he would actually hold catfish, bass, you-name-it, trout, he would hold 'em under a rock and bay 'em till we got there. He's a good water dog.

Well, this was during the dry time of the season, and there hadn't been much rain. Once the rains came, everything got back to where it was. Pouring down like it usually does in our area, it flushed the stream very well with a spring flood. But, sadly to say, everything in that whole water is back to normal. The water dog, he's back under his rock, the fish are back to where they have normal fins, and the crawcrab only has two pinchers.

First Place

Second Place

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